normal sel vs stressed up sel

*phew*

finally two huge assignments are out of the way, now left two more to complete before the entire semester is over. this semester involves alot of group work, and through these i learn alot more about myself...

i got to know the personal standard of work i expect from myself and from team members. when things didnt go according to my expectations, my initial reaction was frustration, annoyance, anger. however, it was followed by questioning about myself. am i asking for too much? am i getting too worked up over something small? am i being too demanding? am i putting work above relational concerns?

as time pasts, i internalized the anger and dissatisfaction, and just blamed myself for complaining about others. however, now that the stress has been slightly reduced, i can think clearer. instead of contemplating on blaming myself or blaming others, i just accept and learn from the ups and downs in these past months.

i've learnt that because my expectations were higher than some does not mean that i am overdoing it. i seek for perfection, and i would go all out to obtain the best results i think i should get. in some eyes, this might be plain stupidity, this may be plain kiasuism, or this may be plain selfishness for expecting others to meet my expectations. however, from another perspective, this mean that i am highly motivated to succeed, and would not settle for second best. in my own opinion, i feel super guilty if i submitted a work which i knew i would have put in more effort, and i feel such pleasurable sense of satisfaction knowing i've done my best.

i also found out that i get "worked up" or "stressed up" very fast very easily. i had already knew i need to do something about stress management, as not only i affect my own mood, i affect people who feel neglected when i focus solely on work and ignore my health and others' feelings. i do feel trapped and helpless...this is something i've grewed up with, and stress piles up on me easier as years past. its not that i CHOOSE to be this way, but i cant seem to change it. its annoying, it really is, but it creeps up on me without me realising, and i only notice stress has gone beyond acceptable level only after damage has been done. anybody with tips on stress management?

i've been reflecting on my level of trust on others too. do i find it hard to trust others, thats why im holding on to most of the work? or i tried to distribute work, only to end up having them back on my plate? this could trace back to the fact that i expect too much from others that when things doesnt meet my expectations i take them under my wings and modify again...hmmmm...is this the same as not trusting others about my grades?

all in all, its a very valuable learning experience. doesnt feel good as im going through the process, but i sure do appreciate it all when all's over and when i get to evaluate thinsg from a calmer perspective.

all my apologies to my group members if i've done things which had offended u, whether directly or indirectly. i am aware that im not an amazing friend when im stressed up, so i really appreciate how u guys put up with my moodiness and continued giving your cooperation. things i say here simply reflect some of the dissatisfaction when we're working together, but it is PURELY my own perception, and definitely DOES NOT intend to criticise your personalities or working style. im venting out my emotions here, and from now onwards all dissatisfactions will be dismissed. just my own reflection about myself, and i sure would love some feedback too =)