im oh-so-positive bout life now

i hate it when i have nothing to do...

i hate it when i have too much time for my mind to wonder. i prefer to at least have my mind too occupied with work to be sensitive to things around me

cos once my mind is free to roam, all i end up is being emotional and depress

its not just the pain of missing Dear. its like i've totally lost the one and only person who truly understands me and accepts me the way i am. left me to deal with the impossible ppl called family members.

why cant these ppl admit that there's a problem in this house called our home, then take steps to repair the damage? why do they prefer to let things get worse?

im so tempted to ask them...are you happy with the way things are in this family?

and again, i wanna knock myself in the head for caring so much. "why bother?" my head says. "ouch...they rejected me...again" says my heart. well, i guess thats why they say, ppl know what's the right thing to do, but still end up doing the wrong thing.

i have so many prepared scripts in case i score a confrontation instead of the usual avoidance. but well, most of the time i just sigh and walk away, not feeling bothered to make any attempt to change his/their perspective. i've been conditioned to always be in the losing end. but inside me, i feel so dissatisfied. i so wanna voice out and be heard. one day la...may that one day comes along when we're all still sane and healthy...

anyway, nothing specifically happened which provoked today's outburst. in fact, its because there are totally nothing being said to each other that's getting on my nerves. oh well, every family has their own problems, and mine is not any worse than everyone else, so why get emo? hmmm...what a great way to dismiss problems...

thinking too much,
-sel-