random...lalala...

just gonna spill some random thoughts tonight, so dun expect any organized post
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its so obvious that til today u hate talking to me, but do u have to make it so freaking obvious? u speak to everyone else super nice, until i ask u a simple question, your entire forehead creased, your brows almost touched, your tone sounded like u dread wasting effort replying me. for all that i've done...with just one issue this is how u turn against me. i told u i understand that i appreciate your concern for me, but its a choice i'll stick to. just wait...one day i will show u that i made the right decision. one day i will show u that i can be more successful than u've ever thought of me. one day i'll assure myself i'll never see the "i told u so" look on your face. i no longer need to maintain a good relationship with u to keep myself happy and move on with my life

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brought grandma to Pyramid 2 today. she's not living in my house to serve as a servant, and if noone else gonna consider her feelings then i will, cos she was the one who took care of me when i was young. even if i dun remember how attach i was to her, i know that i would feel damn hurt if i've put so much hope and effort into raising my children and grandchildren, only to see them ignoring me when they're grown up and independent. i know she appreciates what im doing for her although she doesnt say so. ppl say im a good granddaughter, i dun think im doing anything selfless; i just think other ppl are too absorped with their own lives to realise that ppl living around them have feelings too

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i wonder how i'll behave if my boyfriend is studying in the same course as i do? i wonder is this the type of friendship ppl share when they're in university...

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grandma told me how her two dogs were put to sleep last time, one due to cancer, one due to ear infection. i felt like crying when she described how the dogs were whining and how badly the ear rotted, what more when she explained how the doctor injected those lethal chemical into them. then i think of how i would feel if ever Lexter will ever have to go thru such thing. then i realise how im really so afraid of losing ppl....im especially afraid of death of loved ones....i've always had nightmares of deaths especially when i was younger.

although i never experienced such lost last time, i could already cry just thinking of losing anyone im close to. then my first and most recent experience was when i lost my grandpa. it sucks....it really does hurt so much. and i know that wont be the last one...it scares me alot just knowing that its unavoidable to lose ppl around me...

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im beginning to feel the familiar sense of loneliness again, but not as bad as last semester, probably cos i have a new companion this year. but sigh...makes me wish the simpler life in high school. perhaps this is part and parcel of growing up and growing independent. u cant always have someone next to u...u cant always be emotionally close to close friends at all time...more and more lines are drawn as u age...

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lately i've lost all enthusiasm to continue my role as a leader. i just feel so exhausted. i feel like saying i dun care anymore. i think i actually did say that. maybe its just bcos there are no due dates pressuring me. looking back, i realise i might have said and done things which offend ppl. i could have been too focused on achieving our goal til i neglected relational aspects. but no, i aint gonna apologize, bcos i feel that im the one who should receive apologies

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alrightey, just some random stuffs for today. hehe. gonna start revision on Advance Quans now. anybody who's familiar with SPSS out there? help....i need help.....HELP....!!!