what's a family?

i used to think everyone in my family actually wants to talk things out, be heard and find a peaceful solution. i used to think, its because they've grown up around impatient ppl, thats why they could not control their emotions and calm down a little to listen to the other party.

i think i might be wrong. i think i might have given them too much credit for that

my entire family is build on assumptions and misunderstandings and undercommunication. nobody is willing to listen to others and consider the other perspective before continue to voice out their side of the story. stubborn is the word, but i would call it stupidly stubborn. in the end, they might be the last one yelling, but if being the one to talk til the other party has nothing to say is not conisdered victory. thats so foolish. everybody here is foolish

am i the only different one here? maybe what my dad told me when i was 2 yrs old is actually true. that im actually an abandoned baby that my parents picked me up from a rubbish dump. bcos i find it so scary knowing that i might actually share the same characteristics as them

i tried to reach out. i always thought i just dun have enough courage to reasonably talk to my parents, so i always tell myself, one day i will feel less awkward to openly share my feelings, and that fine day, they both will also gratefully treat me like an adult and tell me a noble reasons underlying all their actions. but funnily, i tried bit by bit, but i never get my message across. i barely reached that heart-warming reaction. instead, i always face disappointment

i always question why my brothers keep to themselves so much. i've categorised my bro as an introvert. but now, i realised their ways are the best solution to protect self from hurt. give up trying in this impossible family. from now on, im gonna be an introvert when im at home. im not gonna seek communication or acceptance or touching gestures or kind words, so that i wont feel hurt when i receive frowns or scolding or restrictions or doubting voice

of cos that doesnt mean im gonna privately disown myself from this family. yes i understand that both my parents want the best for me, thats the underlying reason to all their act actions. but the way they try to help me reach my "best" isnt the same as what i have in mind. their mistake is refusing to consider what i have in mind, and find a middle way for us both to reach there. its their way or nothing at all

i guess i just gotta live with that