i avoid problems by not thinking bout them

Freud says that we unconsciously push aside all those memories which are too painful to bear, a natural defense mechanism all human use to protect their sanity. i dunno how much i've already unconsciously repressed, but i do know that i chose to purposely not to think of current life events which i know will surely bring me back to my brink of depression

i've been thru that...and im trying at all cost to not enter that stage again...

im avoiding at the expense of someone else's happiness. i avoid thinking bout problems by being cynical and sarcastic. nothing near understanding. i actually might provoke feeling of dislike

such unjust isnt it? especially when someone else's feel down all bcos of me. or rather, in relation to me.

there is so many underlying reasons as to why i choose to research on parenting for my thesis. and as i read on, i figured out so many answers to the questions i've formed over these years. no way does my new understanding ease my pain inside, but at least i feel comforted knowing that its not my fault i am the way i am today. knowing that it is not entirely their fault for making me the way i am today. and also helping me think of other positive forces i received from the world outside my house

psychological control...such a new term to me, but something i've somehow can relate to so well, im already obsessed with it. and i think im thinking of it too much to the point of attributing all my personality and behavior to it. but how can i change who i am overnight when i've internalized so many fears and standards and values? worse still, try putting 2 person from totally contrasting upbringing to settle a conflict. a conflict which is not caused by personal opinions or personality differences, but due to people who brought us up

anyway, to a friend who's about to be a mom,

i truly do admire your courage and bravery and optimism. i can put myself in your shoes, and instantly i know i would NEVER had the guts to make the decision that u did. u showed me how it'll be when my future dreams turn into a reality. my dream of being able to live my life with the person i love, and having a child of my own. but i know thats the beauty on the surface, with many challenges threatening to spoil that happiness. do let me know if u need any help. u've got all the moral support, thats for sure!

nitez