THURSDAY 16th November 5.43pm

Life is so unpredictable, everybody knows that somewhere deep inside but never feel the effect til misery falls on them. But life is also full of miracles and wonders. One will only feel that way if he learns to appreciate the abundance of blessings around him. Like the top of my page says, its up to your outlook in life, whether you wanna regret or rejoice...

Just now as I was driving home from college, I saw a little dog almost got knocked down by cars as it tried to cross the highway. There was an untied chain around it's neck, i wonder did it escape it's owner, the owner abandoned it, or it was some chain it got itself stuck onto? that poor puppy was trying to cross the road to reach another dog which had already crossed and waiting at the other side of the road. it was Bkt Jalil highway...two-lane, fast speeding and continuous stream of cars. it crossed one lane, then panicked as one car almost knock it, and froze in the middle of the road, on the white line. the car that almost knocked it was directly in front of me, so he braked, and so did I. i saw the car behind me almost couldnt brake in time; perhaps he didnt know why i braked when the traffic was smooth. from my rearview mirror, i saw another car swerving to miss the puppy, but finally the dog got to cross safely to the other side...

after the few minutes of shock, sadness overwhelmed. i could feel my eyes tearing up. what if it got knocked down by car? it will be left to rot, be rolled over by dozens other cars, eventually dying in a very disrespectful way, and noone will miss it's presence. the other dog will lose a friend/family member, perhaps its only companion in this whole world, and noone will pity his loss. the dog might have a chance to recover if it was saved as soon as it got knocked, but who will ever bother to stop and help? people are so selfish....to them, its just another stray dog. one die, lesser one to be knocked down. to me? i wish so badly i can do something about it. i know it's unrealistic of me to think this way, but i blame mankind for the way these stray dogs have to live their lives. if men don't ruin their habitat in the first place, will they ever need to get frightened by cars? the roads we are driving on were once their home. WE are invading their lives, not the other way round. another question popped in my mind...what if i was the one knocking down a dog? i know for sure i would brake if one crosses the road in front of me, regardless of people advicing me to not brake in case i myself get into an accident. i find it hard to imagine myself living the rest of my life being a murderer, what more if it really happens. but i know its a possibility, so i considered the options i have if such tragedy really happens. i could hit-and-run, like what EVERYONE does, or stop and send the dog to the vet. sigh...i will send the dog to the vet, but i know that's not the long term solution. who will pay for the vet's fees? who will take care of the dog after that? how many dogs can i afford to send to vet? sigh...im so gonna own a dog shelter in the future...

comparing my life to the stray dogs, i really have to thank my lucky stars. someone loves me for me. someone is willing to sacrifice anything just to make me happy. relationships are so fragile...people get in and out of relationships all the time. but how often does one falls in love? love does not start as soon as one agrees to be someone's girlfriend/boyfriend. but it doesnt need to be, because love will grow. i am thankful...for all that i currently have. i love the one who loves me, i found a friend in my mom, and i can finally accept the fact that everything my dad did was out of love and concern for me. these 3 people are the most important people in my life...i wanna tell Eu Veng, Mommy and Daddy...i love you...

another part of me is loving 2 other person, although logically, my mind tells my heart to stop loving them. i am hurting myself to allow them space in my heart, what more to have feelings for them. but why cant i do that? why do i still care so much about them? why am i filled with guilt everytime my head tells my heart to shut them out of my life? why do i hate myself everytime i listen to my logical mind and take an action which i view as selfish but others view as appropriate? to my brothers...i wish so much to have a happy family. i want so badly for you both to accept me. again and again i asked myself what had i done to deserve your hatred. again and again i wonder if you realised the silent sacrifices i made for you? perhaps im just like all ordinary people...i just need acceptance and recognition...nvm...time will tell...

life is not perfect til you choose to see it that way
-sel-