all has moved on...

i resist change...i so resist change although i know damn well its part and parcel of life. i just cant accept it. i just dun wanna believe it. this post im gonna be damn bloody honest bout how i feel. not gonna bother that i hurt anybody's feelings...

im feeling damn hurt and rejected that my school frens cant make it to celebrate new year countdown in my house. initially we planned to go countdown in bukit bintang, but it'll be too rowdy for us girls. so as soon as my mom told me we'lll be haing potluck, immediately i invited my friends. really hoped to countdown the new year with them. but one by one replied, saying they cant make it. maybe they really had something else to do, but i cant help taking it personally. for me, if i have the intention to keep the friendship going strong, i would have try my best to meet up again. and i really expect the same enthusiasm from them. it hurts damn alot when i've think so warmly of them and to be slowly removed from their lives. oh well, friends never say goodbye? bollocks. i think i have to slowly say goodbye to them...we've had our good times, but naturally we all drift apart as we meet our new circle of friends. whether i like it or not, no matter how much acceptance i wish i get, its slowly dying. and there's no way of saving it. at least i dun intend to put effort into saving it anymore. dun wanna disappoint myself again...

another group of friends i must say goodbye to is members of BB2SJ. i used to be crazy over boys brigade. overly spirited. putting in my all whenever it comes to BB. but well, i was forced to slowly withdraw myself when Ivan didnt like the "sel" in BB. he knew me through BB, we meet only during BB parade, and he fell for me throughout the period in BB, but he doesnt like the person i am in BB? lol how ironic. even more ironice was that i allow him to convince me to drop my passion. so i decided to quit. after the break up, first thing i did was return to BB. its been so long that i've lost interest in their activities, feeling less spirited than before. but i decided to join back as volunteer, just providing service and manpower for all the knowledge and experience BB had given me. oh well...someone should have warned me that once i've decided to let go, i cannnot expect things to be the same again. i was almost invisible around them, except when my help is needed to condiuct classes. lol, all the times i've been so proud of the "true friendship" i find in BB where i cannot find anywhere else...haha...flushed down the drain as soon as i stop going weekly. bloody hell. EV helped me realise that these people only prioritise their own member. they are not rceptive towards outsiders at all. yes, they are very BB spirited...too spirited to the extend they think of themselves as high and mighty above other non-members. my advice to you people? not possible to change you anymore. i attended a dinner at captain's house just now. nobody fill me in with any new events anyway. sir loh told me he'll include me when they meet up to plan next year's agenda, but i found during dinner that they had a meetign this morning. i also found out bout dinner only this afternoon. so sincere to let me back into their circle huh? they only contact me when they need help! i changed plans with Dear just to attend the dinner. i disappointed him because i thought i should make an effort to show that im still committed to BB. but i definitely wished dinner would end asap throughout the night. i received alot of questions "eh! sel! how come u're here?! which wind blew you here?" lolz...showed how they've actually considered me as non-member...surprised that i joined a dinner meant for BB members only. oh well, worry not, cos u wont be seeing me anymore for the rest of your lives.

yes im very negative tonight. and im not done with my negativity. i bought a present for dad, gave him since christmas eve, and its still unopen. what a nice way of showing his apprciation huh? i bet he didnt even touched it when i placed it in front of him. obviously i didnt get a "thank you". i'll be happy if he even looked up from his newspaper that night. i just cant wait til im self-suficient. dun even know why the hell i need to obey his instructions. even more unbelievable when i actually put myself in his position, and feel bad for him, and wanting to do something to make his life better. maybe he enjoys life best when all his family members are feeling trapped and miserable. i told myself i will not wanna think bout how he feels anymore, because all he does is hurt me. but my bloody brain keeps telling myself no mattter how cruel and mean he seemed, his intentions are good. he's just concern bout me. he just wants to avoid every possible danger that might come my way. damn...all this conflict inside my head is killing me. i wish i can be desensitized...i hate life at home. i hate how my brother is becoming more and more like him. i especially hate how i let my dad and brothers affect my emotions.

its almost the new year...one year has come and go, and year 2006 might signify the end of schooldays friendship, hello new bonds. this year i finally let go of a relationship which was so controlling i break free before i suffocate. it would be a horrible end to this year. all the people i've loved seemed to be leaving me. i am one who needs acceptance by many many people. i constantly need reassurance that i play an important role in the lives of people i care for. i feel like i've been receiving alot of rejection instead. if it wasnt for Eu Veng's love, i dare not imagine how dark my world would be. how miserable this year will end. thanks hun...may 2007 be a better year for us...