cant wait to see the rainbow

some ppl can easily tell ppl their problems, and i tot i was one of them, until i realise i would rather run away than talk about it. i would give surface details, but i would not, or rather, could not express my emotions deep inside. most of the time its due to fear of being brushed off as making a big fuss over minor issue...

i express myself best thru blogging. this is my method of expressing my cry for help. and thankfully, im surrounded by sweet people who truly care. once self-pity fill myself, i think of myself as being all alone, noone who understands my situation, noone who can empathise

but my friends reach out to me, and they showed me that real friends will never belittle my problems. "thank you" is not enough to express how touch i feel, but thats the only way i know how to show my grattitude. a big round of thank yous to those who had adviced me...even your little gesture of asking me how im feeling makes a big difference...

i've been sick for 4 days already. maybe after all those down moments, my body finally gave in, immunity crashed, and emotional pain became physical sickness too. lol maybe its an external sign that all those bottling up has finally exploded...

nobody likes being a pathetic self wallowing pile of mess. i've always pride myself for seeking maximum productivity. and im so ashamed that i chose to give up, run away, and do nothing to solve my problem.

well, i've thought it through, and i can finally see a small light helping me towards my solution. i shall simplify my case. my parents freaked out when my grades fell. they suddenly couldnt stand the idea of me dating EV, when they once seemed so OK with it. i generalised it to the point that they dislike him personally, and i could not believe it came from my mom. that was the biggest blow...considering how i had a totally positive impression of her as an open-minded, sporting, modern mom...

i could not adjust to the sudden change in my lifestyle. bcos of my grades, i was not allowed to go out at all. actually, i brought that upon myself. i was afraid my parents would threaten to break EV and i up, so i quickly switched to obedient girl mode, i only go classes and back home, totally giving up my social life. i was just so afraid they would start imposing rules....so i acted before they could do anything...

but then again, i cant live not meeting Dear. so we do still meet, simple breakfasts, short walks, rare lunches. all behind parents back. but i've grew up with a very strong conscience, that the back of my head screams "its wrong!" everytime i meet EV. i could not truly enjoy myself whenever im with him, bcos im filled with guilt. and that caused him to feel uneasy too...so with all this lack of meeting, and reduced enthusiasm when we do meet...eventually brought a gap between us too...

you see, perhaps the problem wasnt so big after all. maybe all my parents were saying is, spend less time going out, focus more on studies first. but i went to the extreme and cut off all official dates. and i didnt wanna seek help, i didnt have mood to spend time with friends, my grudge towards parents intensified, and i ended up hating the entire world

now, my future is still filled with uncertainties. perhaps my parents really dislike his personality. perhaps they're just totally against me dating while studying. but if they would wanna stop us, they would have done it long time ago. so basically, they only want me to balance my priorities properly. of cos, their definition of too much would not be the same as mine, but its something i cant argue with them, so just gotta tolerate

i just have another one and a half yrs before i graduate, and by then, my parents cant say much anymore about my relationship. i dun need their blessing of my relationship, i dun need to see them smiling happily as i go out of dates, i dun need them to ask how's my relationship going, bcos now i understand that they're trying not to encourage me. i just need to appreciate the fact that they're not totally stopping me

and if EV and i survived til i've graduated and all independent, then i guess we've been thru a tough challenge which tested our love, and nothing much can weaken us then

as of now, no point still stubbornly holding on to the past...there's only a better future to look forward to...