im a quitter....
im afraid of pain...
i would rather avoid problems than to risk emotional disappointment...
oh yeah, and im very selfish too
what can i do? i feel hopeless. nothing is within my control. my entire future is filled with uncertainties. how come all this had to happen overnight? how come i was led to believe that my life was picture perfect, and then being told that everything was wrong?
if only things happened the other way...if only i had experience rejection before experiencing the beauty of harmonious relationships...if only the dynamic of the relationship isnt so complicated...if only it was just two of us...if only i was supporting myself...
mel asked, how did i cope? how did i pull thru? my answer is against someone's principle, but it is working best for me. i smiled sadly at mel, and asked "i managed to cope? oh well, dun think bout it lor"
i know how it feels like when trying to help someone who has gave up on life. it sucks, it pulls you down together with that person, and you feel so frustrated facing someone who is just so negative. but this time, i also know how it feels to be the one feeling hopeless, the one wanting to give up fighting. and i know why ppl remain being unmotivated once they set their mind on it. its really the simplest solution to all life problems. once u decided u have no control, u just let go, and watch day by day pass, putting in your minimal effort, not needing to feel anymore pain or disappointment...
how can anyone hurt u, now that u already dun invest any emotions anywhere? the perfect defence mechanism
but there's a loophole. when u've dug your hole that deep, and once u start thinking again on how u reach that state, your pain intensify a million times, and u fall even deeper inside the hopelessness hole. thats where the answer came in...."dun think la..."
"the people you love gives you the biggest smile...and the biggest scar..." i know for sure i've scarred him very badly...
may i add that, scarred by the ppl u love is a continous cycle, sort of an unconscious seek to revenge. cos other ppl scarred me, now im scarring someone else. im afraid to think who else might be indirectly affected after this...
yes, i am aware of the consequences im inflicting, but im also aware that i am too selfish at this moment to consider anyone else's pain but my own. i wish someone can give me an answer...i wish someone would just tell me that our future isnt as gloomy as its currently painted...
so many questions, so much pain, so limited solution, so little control
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Sel, I don't have enough experience in relationships to give you advice, but all I can say is think about the problem and try to find a solution. But don't ponder on the problem too much as you mind will begin to play tricks with you. When you think of the problem, focus on finding a solutiong. If there aren't any at the moment, leave for a while. Give yourself time before you get back to the problem again.
I won't say take it as it comes...cos that phrase landed me where I am today. I would say take one day at a time or one step at a time...life is not always easy, we all know that...but with friends around, we'll help each other pull through...
You're a strong girl, sel...but everybody have periods where everything is just black and there's no light in front of us. So don't give up...
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